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The land beyond your apartment’s front door is a frightening, untamed place, full of peril. But one risk towers above the rest—you could run into a neighbor.
An up-close wild-neighbor sighting can be an awesome experience. But it can also scare the daylights out of you. And rightly so! This guide will give you the facts and tools you need to survive.
Close Encounters: Basic Rules
Stay calm. By maintaining a cool demeanor and exhibiting confident body language, you are subtly letting your neighbor know, “Hey, I’m here, too! I’m not afraid, and I’m not a threat.”
Do not scream. Screams can startle and agitate neighbors, causing them to become hostile and to e-mail a complaint to your landlord.
Do not hide in a laundry or mailroom. Although neighbors are generally antisocial, they are also extremely curious. They have been known to follow people into common areas and ask, “Hey, what’s going on? Doing laundry? I’m almost done drying!” Should this occur, it would be super awkward for you both.
Do not feed a neighbor. You may be tempted to drop or throw food, such as a container of fried-shrimp rolls you just bought. But doing so will only embolden your neighbor and lead them to ask you about your favorite local Thai restaurants, even though, embarrassingly, you only know that one food truck called Coat and Thai.
Do not play dead. If you imitate a corpse in your hallway, it may cause your neighbor to become highly disturbed and vocal. Next thing you know, you’ve got an entire pack of neighbors surrounding you, poking you with their laptop bags, and shouting, “Should we call an ambulance? What about Chris, in 413? Isn’t he a paramedic?”
Do not attempt to befriend a neighbor. This is real life, not a television show. On weekends, your neighbor is busy finding and storing food, mating, and hibernating while streaming prestige dramas on Netflix. If you feel the urge to befriend your neighbor, seek immediate therapy.
Greetings: When to Say Hi, and When to Hightail It
Watch for feints. Some neighbors may bluff their way out of a hallway greeting by nodding slightly and tightening their lips into a weird, fake smile. This is not menacing unless you escalate the situation. Keep quiet and keep moving.
Read a neighbor’s body language. If you say hello and they dislike it, they may react defensively by growling and aggressively speeding up and swerving around you. Or, they could say something guttural and confusing that sounds like a combination of “Ugh” and “Why.”
Beware of cubs. If your neighbor is protecting children, steer well clear! Not only is talking to kids that you don’t really know considered suspicious, kid responses are likely to disorient you. At all costs, you must avoid eliciting a high-pitched, squealed “Hiya, stranger!”
Aggression-Defense Scenarios
The UPS Method: If you sense fear in your neighbor, yell, “I have a package for you!” This will instantly calm them, since package delivery is a universal sign of non-aggression in the apartment kingdom. Of course, for this to work, you will need to carry a spare package at all times. But it is far better to be prepared than to rely on luck and end up a statistic.
The Rent-Increase Distraction: In the event of a full-on attack, it is entirely ethical to pull out the big guns. In your strongest, clearest voice, announce, “Our rent just went up!” Your neighbor will immediately become stunned and terrified. They are likely to start babbling about “negotiation” and “gentrification.” Do not engage. Calmly back away.
Summary
Contact is always risky and should only be attempted by the strong and prepared. If you are weak or unsure, it is recommended that you stay inside your apartment and safely enjoy some nice photos of neighbors on Instagram.
Finally, remember—you may see your neighbor as a dangerous beast, but, in their eyes, you are the neighbor, and therefore are just as scary to them. ♦
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